Why am I extreme in everything? What is it about radicalism that makes me feel good? I am radical or extreme in everything: my hobbies, diet, ambitions, and workout. It’s either 100 or 0; being somewhere in the middle is tough. That extremism must be why I burned out. I can't give 40% of my energy to work; it has to be 100%. I can't just watch my food intake a bit; I need to go on a diet I feel is the absolute best.
Nowadays, mediocrity is seen as something terrible. Or at least it’s not celebrated in any way. Be the best at your job, be the best version of yourself, be the one whose career progresses the fastest, do amazing things, and have incredible and unique experiences—nothing but the extreme. And I have fallen into that trap. I have always wanted either to give 100% or give 0%. And if I notice that I can’t give 100%, I give 0%. If I see that I don't want to follow my diet, I buy three chocolate bars, 1 one on the way home, one at home, and one the day after.
But enough description, let’s do some soul-searching. Let’s look at my upbringing. My parents have told me two main lessons. My mom was always talking about willpower. You can do anything if you have enough willpower. You're failing; you don't want it enough. You can do anything if you have enough willpower. This has given me the belief that I can do anything. The idea is that I didn't have enough will if I didn’t succeed at something.
In addition, my dad’s main lesson was that you can always do more than you think. Combine these two: you can do anything with willpower and you can always do more than you think. What belief does that give me? They believe that if I don't succeed at something, I am a failure with a lack of willpower and haven’t tried hard enough.
I felt a weird sense of pride when I burned out the first time. "See, mom and dad, I did it! I gave it my all. There is no doubt that any longer. I did everything I could, and this was the maximum possible. I pushed so hard with my willpower that I broke myself. Aren't you proud of me now?"
Do I have to work myself to death before I can be proud? Do I have to die trying to succeed? Is that the only way I can be proud of myself? This is ridiculous, but that is the thought in my head. I should either succeed in all my ambitions or die in the process; my dreams are incredibly high because: you can always do more than you think.
What would be the healthier option? How should someone think to survive his ambitions? I should be grateful for what I have achieved, grateful for what I have been given, and lower my ambitions. It would be good not to have any ambitions for some time. Perhaps it would be good to have short-term plans that are not goals I can change and adapt without mentally beating myself up about them. Or it could be better to even for a short time if there are no plans, or for a longer time. To just be. To be satisfied, to enjoy where I am, to not look for the next achievement, the next milestone, the next ambition to be reached.
Maybe, for now, I should be. Enjoy the moment, the stillness of the forest, the moments with friends, the simple adventures, the simple life. And practice enjoying that. But practice it without it becoming a goal or a target. Just peace. Just calmness. Just a simple life/ No big ambitions, no pressure to fix the house, a side project, a diet, a workout. But for now, just enjoying those moments.
I notice that I keep writing "for now", but why? Isn't it okay to continuously live in the moment? Enjoy the happy second before thinking about the next one. Yes, that is what I want to do. That is now my plan. No more projects, no more goals, no more ambitions, no more tomorrow I will...., or I should ... because ..., Now it is just here, and now, and that is good.