My battle with ambition, self-love, and burnout.

Here I am, sitting in my home. In my cabin in the forest. Behind my laptop. It's Friday, 10:02 am. It's grey and rainy weather. I just returned from a lovely walk with the dog through the forests. Sadly, we didn't see any wildlife today so far. 

My dog is lying on the floor; he seems to be unhappy with the fact that we are not outside or playing. But I must be writing this post now—more for myself than for you, the reader. 

Writing helps me structure my thoughts; it prevents me from letting them go in circles.

But why do I need to write my thoughts out now? Let me tell you. I had a panic attack last week. I had been ignoring all stress indicators and letting the stress build up to the level of a panic attack. I ignored my anxiety and stress because I didn't want to accept that it was there. 

I wanted to push through and overcome everything with willpower. Not just my work but my life, my ambitions, my addictions, and my habits. Everything at the same time, making a radical shift for the better. 

But now, I failed in doing so. My goals were clear:

• Do full work weeks with work, overperforming on the standards of others and performing on my standards. And in addition, start a business or a second income stream in some way.
• Manage my finances better, make clear decisions on every purchase, keep track of my finances, spend better, and save more.
• Break from all addictions. I successfully quit smoking, and now it was time to eliminate everything else: phone, porn, coffee, snus, sugar - anything that gives dopamine spikes. 
• Be extremely fit. Do workouts every day. Back & biceps on day 1, chest & triceps on day 2. Do an ab workout every morning, and go for a run five times per week; to get from 0 to a marathon in 18 weeks.
• Be extremely healthy. No snacks, no fast foods. Take all the right vitamins, take a cold shower or cold swim every day, and do my variation of a keto and caveman diet. 
• Feed my mind & spirit. Read a good portion of the Bible daily, pray constantly, and follow extra courses on work-related things, programming, psychology, and nature. And be more social, hang out with friends, and be a better friend.

Well, I failed. I burned out. Or, well, maybe not a full-on burnout as I had 2.5 years ago, but at least it has gotten to the point where I can't handle much now.

I still have the ambition to do all of these things. But as I write this, I still have to accept that I cannot do all of this. As I write that I cannot do all of it, I feel a strong reaction. A voice in my mind screams: "Shut up, yes, you can do that all. You are Jesse van Vierbergen. You can do anything you put your mind to it. You don't want it enough! You don't have enough willpower. You're a loser for failing. I haven't given it your 100%. you suck!" This is a constant battle for me.

Do I accept myself and love myself, even though I failed? Or do I push myself harder, motivate myself more, and go through? Well, my body has spoken. My body has yelled: stop. But my mind still doesn't want to accept it. 

Now is the time that I should accept it—the time I should accept and listen to my body and tune out the criticism in my mind. I will tell myself: Jesse, you are good enough. I love you. You have done amazing things. You have built a great life for yourself, and it is good as it is. You can rest now. And in a week or two, pick up something. Can you make a little slight here or there? Let’s quit the snus or pick up a book. But for now, you can rest. For now, accept yourself, and love yourself. Please don’t break down what you've built but maintain it at rest.

"Jesse, I love you. I accept you. God loves you. Jezus accepts you. Now, do more of what makes you happy, and rest."